HOW THE HELL DOES THIS THING WORK? I HAVE NO FRIENDS.

DIRTAYYY

What is a vaccuum?

I recently had a nightmare that a tiny dinosaur egg cracked open under my couch and a gooey taradactul looking creature started flying towards me in attack mode. (THIS IS TRUE)

I woke up, thought about the reality of the situation, debating if this could happen or not.Thats when I hauled my ass upstairs to sleep where it was clean and safe.

This is where I draw the line... I'm cleaning.

BOOTYLICIOUS

I just noticed K Kardashians on Demand Ass workout....kind of funny becuase she has the biggest blubbery bubble for a butt (Im jealous)...sometimes I wonder if her ass eats the rest of her body and thats how she stays so small everywhere else. It inspired me to try her video and see if my ass too, could eat more than just my pants

Results are in...

Dressed like a hooker in spandex Kardashian was basically asking for tips everytime she bent over to reveal her nice big boobies. It was like a pilates/cardio/sex workout. Some of the poses gave me great ideas to use on my black lovers. My butterbuns down to my ankles were worked out in this video. Kimmy wasn't sweating at all which made me realize that she probably got to do a thousand takes to avoid the pit marks that I wound up with, but thats fine I guess. All in all I sweat like I was in church! This morning was a success, I could feel my cellulite dying a slow, painful death, and my ass is on its way up! Thanks Kim!

xoxo

Katy Perrry Is my Homegurl...

I Kissed a Girl...


The other night I tradgically ended up on a double date sitting next to ChickenLittle (The Nerdy sDR.) yet again.

He was being his normal self So naturally I escaped to the bathroom front and then saw an old friend inside. After securing the stall, I shared a flask with her, and some other things. I don't know what in the fuck came over me at that point. By the time I opened my eyes she had managed to dig her tounge all the way down my throat. Romance in the pants I guess.
Her= Violater Me= Victim

In that 10 minutes I managed to get an incredible buzz and some girl on girl action.

With my reputation at stake I sat at the table classy and appropriate the rest of the evening next to the Chicken .

On the way out I saw that hot guy again and realized that he had a fuacking massive amount of hair. It was incredible, he looked like porcupine with a human body. He looks like he belongs to another species. What a douchebag.

The Gellin Fellin stumbled over to us to say bye. He and his hair approached and... Next thing I knew, my face was being attacked by giant prickers! It was...unexpected.

I leaned back and limbo'd my way out of the torture. Penis breathe was definitely drunk and I definitely didnt want my face licked.

I walked away so fast hand-in-hand with the farm animal I was on a date with. To make matters even more interesting, when we got to my car that Chicken tried to kiss me. His mouth was wide open and his eyes closed, I wished at that moment that I had a cock(I think you get what I mean)

But I dont have a cock. I have a vagina, a beautiful lovely vagina. So I turned my cheek, got in my car and did anything I could to get the fuck away.

My night was just like a Big Porno...

...IM A STAR.

Mr. Chicken

• responsible
• nice
• rich
• predictable
• no back bone
• (CHACH)
  

Call me crazy and stupid like everyone else does, but I just am not feeling the heat. AT ALL. Some people are just so dillusional though. I am well aware that dating a Dr. who is putty in my hands, is every girls dream, but I am also not ever girl. I am arguably very smart, but mainly I am a dirty, dirty little slut.

I have to tolerate his losersque behavoir though because we unfortinately run in the same circle. I often have to sneak into a corner and inhale more than a few drinks just to hold back from slapping his stupid face back to reality.

Just when I thought I might give into the Chicken Dr...I imagined him naked. And thats when I realized that money isn't everything. And it sure as hell would not make me want to rub my fingers through the patches of frizzy pubes on his chest.

It seems as though I might need to make a choice here... Good Sex? Or a Relationship?

Hmmm...I'll take Sex for 500!!!

I'm at the young and prime age where by now I should be in a non serious relationship that I take so seriously that it's absolutely annoying to all my peers and scares my family. Instead I have been forever single, and forever stayed true to myself and my vagina...Not by doing whats right but what feels right if you know what I mean. Now I always use protection . I swear I don't sleep around...I just sit on a lot of laps (and by laps I mean faces!)